On South Mt AZ - dbernock

How To Get The Support You Need

I made up a word today. I do that sometimes.

I made up the word pondery*.

This morning I was pondery.

A photo grabbed my attention.

One of our grandson walking together with me and my husband on South Mountain in Arizona. The frame is inscribed with the words Grandparents fill the world with love.

I paused.

I got to thinking in many different directions.

Hence the word pondery.

Pondering is thinking on just one subject. I was on many.

I pondered the time the photo was taken.

Approximately seven years ago. My life has changed so dramatically since then. We are back living in Michigan now.

The time we spent living in Arizona seems like a lifetime ago.

I felt a sadness. I missed the sunshine.

I missed standing up on that mountain looking across the entire valley with my husband. It felt like standing on top of the world together during a very difficult time in our lives.

I missed gathering together with the friends we made out there…

I pondered how my daughter had given me the frame with the photo in it.

I remembered how they came to visit us.

I remembered being so concerned I wouldn’t be close to this little one because I lived so far away. But together my daughter and I built a bridge over the miles.

He’s almost nine and I get to see him regularly now. I felt so thankful…

I pondered the term Grandparent on the frame.

My grandchildren don’t call me grandma. They call me Mima. That feels different.

I had every intention of being called grandma. I loved my grandma so the term held happiness for me. But I became Mima because my first grandson couldn’t say, grandma. I love being Mima.

At his great gramma’s funeral, one of my other grandsons was told I was a grandma even though he calls me Mima. He said I didn’t look like a grandma. Melt my heart.

In many ways, I don’t act like one either.

I grew up in a time when grandparents didn’t really play together with their grandkids.

I play with mine. I roll around on the floor with them. I spin them around in circles giving them “spin hugs”. I play soccer, baseball, kickball, go for bike rides, play tag, climb monkey bars and more.

I saw that word and it felt foreign to me because I didn’t feel like a grandmother. But I am one…

I pondered the relationship that a grandparent can have.

The opportunities they have to impact a generation.

I thought of the relationship my kids had with my mom before she died. Things they did together. Lessons they still remember even though they were young when she died.

I thought about my mother-in-law. How we just had the funeral for her last week. How she loved and supported my kids. All the laughter that had together. The sorrow they feel because of the love they shared…

I moved on into my day with my mind and emotions very busy.

I’m feeling much more grounded this week than last.

But still, I wondered how I was going to be able to write with my inner orchestra playing that clean sound I talked about last week in How To Put It Back Together When Your Heart Breaks.

I had an article started but I was lacking the necessary focus.

And then I thought of finding the commonality in all my thoughts.

Look for some common ground.

Doing that quieted my insides like an orchestra conductor taps prior to the performance to quiet the instruments.

One thing I saw throughout was the word together.

Together involves sharing.

Together is always more than one and can be many. It can be a community.

But it only takes two for a together to exist.

My inner orchestra played a lovely song and the words together is better sang in my heart. Two are better than one.

I thought about what I shared last week.

How opening up and allowing you to see me in a light I would have hidden a few months back brought you into a together with me.

It was scary but I took courage. I took the chance and allowed myself to be seen.

I’m not afraid anymore.

It’s been almost eight months since I moved to this site. I introduced myself with a post Hello’s and Goodbyes.

Back then being seen was terrifying. As I said last week, I used to be a good hider.

Since then I have learned and I have grown. And one thing that I have learned is how to partake of community.

I had been a part of communities before.

I witnessed other people partaking of the benefits. I was jealous of what they received.

I didn’t understand I was my problem.

I had opportunity to be vulnerable and took only small, calculated risks hindering my ability to receive.

I didn’t allow myself to be seen. Not really. I had been afraid.

My first real step out into the shark infested waters of being seen was publishing my book. You can read more about that in my post How To Be Vulnerable And Naked (“The Beautiful Mask”)

I learned how to tap into a community primarily through Jeff Goins. He is a writer who encourages others to write, how to do it and how to tap into community. He has a number of communities where people receive the help and support they need without fear.

I am in them and it has changed my life.

We are in it together. I am not alone.

Tapping into what a community has to offer is life changing. Click To Tweet

Starting this website last June was a season of looking forward. It was more hello than goodbye. I had returned to my free WordPress blog two months before with a new vision. Letting go of the old was easy. Embracing the new was exciting.

Now I am in the midst of the flip side of that. Goodbye and Hello.

My current season is a goodbye. Goodbye is harder than Hello.

Today I updated one of my job descriptions on LinkedIn. It brought closure and pain.

My husband is his mom’s POA and I have been the primary contact and facilitator for five years. Even though my personal involvement has gradually lessened due to the change of her needs, I still feel a hole.

My together with her is now completely missing.

I made up another word the day of the funeral.

The word is friender.

I shared how my mother-in-law was a friender. She made friends with everyone she met. She welcomed people into relationship, into her together, into community.

I have learned this is how you get the support you need.

You tap into the together’s you have. The communities large or small.

You need to open up and be seen. People cannot read your mind.

You need to ask.

They cannot support what they have no knowledge of.

So whatever you need.

Together is the answer.

Accessing the power of together takes courage to become vulnerable.

Without sharing there is no together.

Don’t choose to be alone. Choose to be together.

Whatever you are needing, we can find it together.  

You are not alone. Your needs matter.

How can I support you? Let me know in the comments.

 

*Apparently I didn’t make up the word pondery.

Can I send you this?

Free download of Dare to Believe.

We hate spam - opt out anytime. Powered by ConvertKit

4 thoughts on “How To Get The Support You Need

  1. Wow! What great insite. You’ve hit on a very important idea – that we must be vulnerable in order to partake of community. My experience is that we create greater intimacy with another by allowing another to see our need and help us, than by offering to help them. We can offer help to another without ever revealing our true selves, and that other person may “let us in” but without letting them “see” us no true, permanent bridge is built.

    1. Yes! THAT is the revelation I have finally gotten. THAT is where we need to take courage. It can start with baby steps. Sharing just a little more than you would have before. Like you said, it is a process, like building a bridge. Thank you for sharing that visual.

  2. I love the thoughtfulness of this post. The importance of being part of community. The courage it takes to ask for what you need/want. It also reminds me that for community to work, it cannot be only about us — what we want and wish to ‘get’. It means giving first. Trusting others. Reciprocating. Much “pondery” — what a great word Danielle.

Please share your thoughts!