“Stop Yelling At Me!” is what I heard at first. It repeated. “Stop Yelling At Me!!” It almost sounded like a little kid defending itself. Perhaps that’s more accurate than I realized at the time.
When I first came back to my old free WordPress blog and posted And Then It Was The Next Day I didn’t know what I was getting myself into. I was armed with new dreams, ideas and probably just enough information to get myself into trouble. But because I learned the value of starting instead of waiting until everything is right I did just that – I started.
It didn’t take long for discouragement and unrealistic expectations of myself to show up uninvited.
The discouragement was loud.
The unrealistic expectations of myself yelled at me.
They demanded achievement, success, completion and they were vague in their demands.
But they…was me.
I was being mean to myself.
The first time I addressed it here was with Stop Trying So Hard – Relax and Breathe. I thought after that I got this now! I did for a bit.
Then frustration showed up and I addressed it with You Can Defy the ARGHHHHHH! once again feeling like I had conquered. I was busy deciding what “crap sandwiches” I was willing to eat when it got dark inside.
That bad day became useful as I did something other than yell at myself.
I listened
The first time I listened to myself was when I was vomiting my feelings on the screen listing all the things that were making me sad that day. Then I listened as I went back and read what I had written.
I gave myself permission to feel.
I validated the cause of the intense emotion.
I made myself vulnerable to others which connected me to The Love that Heals.
What came next?
Process.
I’ve been known to have a problem with that so I had more to learn.
I had just recently finished the book The Listening Life and had begun Rain Down as well as started and finished The Art of Work. The Pursuer intersected information from these three books. He wove together the fabric of things needed.
One thing is to grasp:
Process is not a dirty word.
So why does it seem to have jagged edges when I hear it? Why am I so impatient with myself? I need to improve at enjoying the journey. I need to embrace my life as if it is running water. Running water cannot be held, only experienced. If one tries to hold running water it ceases to exist and becomes something else.
I need to embrace process, let go of concrete expectations and allow my life to unfold in grace.
Which brings me to a second thing to grasp:
I will never be fully done so completion is a mirage.
Life is a journey full of many things we start and complete but then there is always more.
More to do. More to learn. More to share. More to accomplish.
“There is a great temptation in the pursuit of meaningful work to lose yourself in the process.”
Hemingway fell prey to this taking his own life, his gifting’s lost.
Stephen King and J.R.R. Tolkien both encountered this temptation yet emerged victoriously. King tells a story regarding his desk and Tolkien wrote a short story to process his fears.
We are all unique (I believe created in the image of God) with wonderful gifts to share and if any one of us is lost the world suffers. YCNBR = You Can Not Be Replaced = we need you.
So the next time you are tempted to yell at yourself when you fall short of your own expectations (or anyone else’s for that matter) try doing these things instead.
Instead
Listen to your heart.
Embrace your messy life.
Share with others. Community is important. Join ours here.
Remind yourself you are loved.
Watch the video below to remind yourself to be kind to yourself.
And if you must yell at your inner child, then shout this:
GRACE GRACE!!
(Zechariah 4:7)
“Be kind to yourself while blooming. I know sometimes it feels like your soul doesn’t always fit. It’s all a part of the process.”
— Emery Allen
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Well said. I need to embrace my
Messy life right now and stop blaming myself for what happened to where I’m at right now in life. Thank you.
You’re welcome ((hugs)) 💞
Over 20 years ago I heard and felt that word “process” drop in my heart too! I didn’t like it, but knew it was the link to freedom in my soul. If I wanted rest I would need to learn how to wait and watch and sometimes do nothing. That is how I got into gardening. To teach me process and to enjoy it while in it. God has been so faithful for all those years, yet I sense there is more to this word, 20 years later that I am still learning. A deeper level, I guess. God is in charge and once again I am going through a NEW process. Thanks for posting and reminding me of this!! What starts, He finishes!
I had not thought of gardening in that way before. That is cool. I will be looking at it differently now. Thank you so much for sharing Amy and may you enjoy the journey in your NEW process more than ever before.