With love being the primary need in every human being you’d think we’d know how to do it well. Unfortunately knowing how to love well is something we frequently fail at, and the result is many people don’t feel loved.
Lack of love is a problem.
Love and compassion are necessities, not luxuries. Without them, humanity cannot survive. —Dalai Lama XIV
Our need for love is as basic as our need to breathe.
Our need for love is as basic as our need to breathe. Click To Tweet
LIKE BREATHING
Loving well needs to be like breathing because it involves both loving others as well as being loved.
It’s a give and take. It’s giving and receiving.
Like breathing is the air going in and out of your lungs, loving well is an exchange.
The most important thing in life is to learn how to give out love and to let it come in. —Morrie Schwartz
Both breathing and loving fill us with life so it’s good to do them well.
SO WHAT’S THE PROBLEM
People do lots of things to show love. It doesn’t always work out though.
The problem comes in when the receiver doesn’t respond as the giver wanted or hoped. There was a disconnect.
Love is that condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own. —Robert Heinlein
It’s a problem when the love was not perceived as love due to lack of understanding.
NO UNDERSTANDING
No Verstehen, No Capisce, No Comprension, No Samajh, No Comprehension…
When someone doesn’t receive the love you’ve given with the enthusiasm you hoped, chances are you’re not speaking their love language.
There is a language of love beyond linguistics.
Because we’re all different we process how we feel loved differently.
Gary Chapman wrote a book, The 5 Love Languages. It helps us to see and understand our process of feeling loved. In his book, he focuses on romantic and marital relationships but it can help anyone learn to love well.
I’ve found that the concept of love languages helps pretty much any relationship, not just romantic ones. It’s useful to understand what matters to people. —Lifehacker
Learning how people feel loved, you can learn how to speak their language.
Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength while loving someone deeply gives you courage. —Lao Tzu Click To Tweet
LANGUAGE OF LOVE
To love a person well you need to speak their love language. The 5 love languages from Gary’s book are:
- Words of Affirmation
- Acts of Service
- Receiving Gifts
- Quality Time
- Physical Touch
Reading the list do you know what says love to you? How about your significant other? Your kids? Your friends?
Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength while loving someone deeply gives you courage. —Lao Tzu
Sometimes it might be clear but other times it might not. All of them can be wonderful so sometimes we don’t want to pick one or two. But it’s not a matter of picking, it’s a matter of understanding the primary way you hear I love you.
To understand better I’ll translate the five languages into ways to take action.
TRANSLATING INTO ACTION
Words of Affirmation
These express love and affection through words of encouragement, praise, or appreciation. It speaks to their value, that who they are, what they do, and how they feel matters to you. Examples:
- Tell them you believe in them when they’re nervous about a project or test.
- Remind them of how amazing they are when they fall into perfectionism.
- Send a card or text with words of encouragement.
Acts of Service
This is when actions speak louder than words. The giving of kind assistance and help. While helping them with a big project fits here, it doesn’t need to be that elaborate to say I love you. Examples:
- Help with the dishes or fold the laundry.
- Remembering an important date.
- Helping someone they love.
Receiving Gifts
This is symbolic of love and affection. It’s not the cost, it’s the thought behind it. The gift says I was thinking of you when I bought this because I love you. Examples:
- Pick up a souvenir when you go someplace new.
- Surprise them with flowers.
- Pick up something ridiculous just because you know they’ll get a kick out of it. Could be a simple as a pack of gum or golf ball tees.
Quality Time
This kind of time is expressing love and affection with undivided, undistracted attention. Talking and active listening speak love loud. Time is a commodity we can never get back and those with this language understand this. Examples:
- Setting aside a day or a weekend to spend time together.
- Have a day once a week for a deeper conversation to connect. This can be in person or use some form of technology (phone, FaceTime, Skype, Zoom…)
- Going for a walk together.
Physical Touch
This oftentimes is misunderstood to be sexual only. Although sex does fit here, this love language doesn’t have to be intimate. There are other forms of appropriate touch that convey love and affection. Examples:
- A neck or back massage.
- Sit next to and lean on them while watching a movie or a sunset.
- Hugs, holding hands, hand on the shoulder…
These are just some examples to help—you can be creative and find more.
COMMUNICATE
When you apply the love languages to the people around you; family, friends, co-workers, etc., it will speak volumes to them.
Knowing how to love someone is more powerful than the best intention. — Alex Blackwell
Learn your love language too, and let people know what makes you feel loved.
The way to love well is by giving and receiving love that’s understood as love.
The way to love well is by giving and receiving love that’s understood as love. Click To Tweet
WHAT NOW
- What’s your primary love language?
- If you struggle to let others love you go here.
- If you need more help getting clear on what your love language is take The quiz
Know how deeply you’re loved in less than 10 minutes here.
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I struggle to show my husband his love language. I feel like a failure.
I’m so sorry for your struggles, Kara.
Have you talked with him about it?