I lost a grandbaby last week. I bet those words invoke a grief response in you. But what if I let you in on more of the story? This grandbaby wasn’t born yet.
Does that change how you feel?
There are some who dare say stupid things. For example, it was for the best, God took the baby, or any number of comments that begin with “at least…”.
I’m devastated, and grief is screaming inside me.
Miscarriage is traumatic.
Grief is the normal response to miscarriage and we need things when grief screams.
Grief is the normal response to miscarriage and we need things when grief screams. Click To Tweet
VALIDATION
I struggled with this screaming grief because I’m not the mom. I’m “just” the grandma.
The feelings behind those words invalidated my grief and I struggled with having the right to grieve. I knew my son and daughter-in-love had the right to grieve.
But I got stuck in comparison. I judged myself less. Their pain was greater.
Then I remembered my own words.
“Trauma is personal. It does not disappear if it is not validated. When it is ignored or invalidated the silent screams continue internally heard only by the one held captive. When someone enters the pain and hears the screams healing can begin.”― Emerging with Wings: A True Story of Lies, Pain, and the Love That Heals
Those words are from my first book and I find them echoed all over the internet because people resonate with their truth.
The first time they came to me, they were a revelation and changed my life.
I need them again.
No, my pain isn’t less, it’s just different.
I need to give myself the permission to grieve however I need.
No, I’m not the mom. But I still suffered the loss.
When grief screams we need to validate it and go through the process to heal.
When grief screams we need to validate it and go through the process to heal. Click To TweetSUPPORT
This loss happened the day before I was to fly out for my annual Tribe Writer’s Conference, with a little vacation time attached.
I struggled with being away from my son and daughter-in-love. How could I “vacation”?
I felt I was abandoning them when they needed support. They assured me I wasn’t abandoning them and encouraged me to go.
I didn’t feel like going.
I wasn’t on that page.
I wasn’t excited anymore.
I let my writer communities know what had happened and they flocked around me both online, and at the conference, with prayer, words to encourage and hugs to comfort. At the Tribe Conference, their support was so amazing that I spoke up to let the entire room full of people know.
While I was gone my son and daughter-in-love were surrounded with love and support from many others. People sent flowers and food, brought meals, sat and listened, and other forms of love in action.
I’m thankful they were loved well in my absence.
When grief screams we need the support of love in action.
When grief screams we need the support of love in action. Click To Tweet
A POEM OF LOVE IN ACTION
I wrote the following poem after a different loss. But loss is loss, and the pain that screams in our soul needs something no matter what you’ve lost, or when.
Sometimes people don’t know what to do or say to help a loved one when that painful grief is screaming. This poem can help.
Everyone is different and processes their grief differently, but everyone needs help.
What You Can Do to Help Someone Grieve
As the holidays come and festivities increase
There are those who sit on the sidelines
Celebration comes hard
As a piece of their heart, sits in an empty chair
What can we do to lessen their pain?
Do they even want that?
Maybe in time, but when it is fresh
The pain is what’s left to hold on to
Don’t take it away, as it’s all that they have
Instead, validate its importance
There are some things, that you can do
But to do so, you must enter in with them
Are you ready? It’s painful
But love that is show, has value that cannot be measured
If you’re up for the challenge, then proceed in love
And simply be there and listen
Let the tears flow, and their mind wander off
Drive them wherever they need go
Provide them with food, and then say goodbye
When they’re ready for needed solitude
And so, to sum up there are 3 kinds of ups
That the one who is down is in need of
One is to show up, where ever they are
Your presence speaks louder than words
Two is to shut up, don’t say stupid things
Like I know how you feel, or it’ll get better
A loss has occurred, and there’s no going back
Only forward into a new normal.
The third is important so don’t leave it out
They need you to follow up later
In a month or two or even a year
Because Love
Is the only thing that’ll bring healing
Love is the only thing that’ll bring healing Click To Tweet
WHAT NOW
- Would you pray for me and my family?
- Let me know if YOU need prayer or something else to help with grief in your life.
- Read my daughter-in-love’s story here.
- Get Love’s Manifesto
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DARE to BELIEVE it!
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Thoughts and prayers for you and your family Danielle. ((Hugs))
Thank you, Karen. I appreciate it so much.
Danielle,
Thank you for sharing. You sum up grief support so well: Show up, shut up & Keep pouring out love.
Our prayers are with you and your family
Thank you so much, Daniel. I appreciate it.
Danielle, I met you a couple of years ago and found your support of my writing refreshing. Today, I read your post and again I am blessed. This time around I want to give to you. “Father, I pray your strength for Danielle and her family. Loss is never easy nor ever welcomed. However, I believe that earth has no sorrow that heaven cannot heal. So draw very near to Danielle and her loved ones and may your peace comfort them like it has never done before. Amen.” God bless you sister,
PS. Scream, shout, cry, whatever you want to do is acceptable because you are hurting. (Psalm 18:6)
Ronald, I’m so happy to hear I’ve been a blessing to you. Thank you so much for your love, support, and encouragement.
And I agree, earth has no sorrow that heaven can’t heal. Thank you again.
I am so sorry for your loss. I will definitely say a prayer for you and your family.
Thank you, Mommaberna. I appreciate it.
Danielle, I am so sorry to hear about your tragic loss. Never think of yourself as “just” the grandma. Being a grandparent myself, I see my grandchildren as an extention of my children. It is not as if you are competing, but you are sharing in the pain and the grief, and as a parent and grandparent, you have a right to do so.
You are in our prayers during this time!
Thank you, Jaco.
Wow, I hadn’t thought of the term competing. Enlightening. I like how you put it instead, you are sharing in the pain and the grief.
Thank you for your encouragement and prayers.
So sorry for your loss. Thinking of you.
Thank you, Evelinn.
My words seem inadequate as I so desperately want to validate your pain, but often feel overwhelmed by my own every time I open my mouth to speak or sit down to type. Please know, I see you. Your pain is valid. I’m so sorry for your loss as well.
I love what Mr. Alberts said in his comment.
I’m so glad you were surrounded by your tribe as you processed. & I’m grateful to have you as a part of our family. Love you so♥️
I understand. I feel the same inadequacy.
Words alone are inadequate and it’s no one’s fault. That’s why love in action is so important and why it was so hard for me to fly out of town the day after. I felt I was failing to love you.I took great comfort in seeing you were surrounded with the love of others and my Tribe surrounded you with prayer.
Grief is deep and grief is hard and we can remind each other we’re not alone. As my friend Jaco said, we’re sharing, so we’ll stumble through together.
I’m so thankful you’re in our family and love you with all my heart.
Wow, I hope you’re ok–and your son and daughter-in-law too. How true that it’s unhelpful when people tell you it’s for the best or that it happens frequently…or whatever they tell you. I’m glad you’re surrounded by people you love.
Thank you, Trisha. We’re working our way through and loving on each other.
Thank you for your words.
So very sorry to hear of the loss of your grandchild, Danielle. Praying for you and your family. May God give you peace and comfort.
Thank you so much, Nicole. I truly appreciate it.
Hi Danielle,
It was really a joy to meet you at the Tribe Conference! I love, “show up, shut up, follow up.” Wise words to live by. Sending prayers of love and comfort to you and your family. Am excited to read your book. We are moving December 14th. Can’t guarantee it will be read until after the move. But it’s coming with me! Right now it’s on my nightstand. : )
Peace and blessings,
Jackie
It was a joy to meet you as well, Jackie.
Glad you like my 3 ups 🙂
Thank you so much for your prayers. We’re working our way through. Yesterday I wrote a new piece for a contest that brings awareness to how men suffer through this kind of loss too titled I Wish You Would See Me Too.
Moving? How exciting. I’d love to hear more about it.
And I look forward to your feedback on my book.
Thank you!