Dealing with loss is hard at any time of the year. But the holiday season is harder.
When tis the season to be jolly is blasting over the airwaves and you’re suffering from a loss, Ho Ho Ho feels like salt in your wounded soul.
How do you deal with the holidays with that giant hole in your heart?
Differently.
Because instead of visions of sugarplums dancing in your head you have memories. You have questions. You have pain.
There is a way to deal with the holidays after a loss.
There is a way to deal with the holidays after a loss. Click To Tweet
ACCEPT
Traditions are a normal part of holiday celebrations. We can feel the pressure that things have to go a certain way. The way they always did.
This year they don’t.
Grieving clouds our thinking making it difficult to deal with anything let alone the plethora of plans and activities associated with the normal holiday season.
But the truth is — this holiday season will not be normal for you.
This holiday season will be different.
It’s important to accept that as the fact that it is instead of trying to move forward business as usual with holiday plans.
Trying to do everything as you did before will not serve you well. You must accept this year is different and let it be so.
There is no business as usual in the holiday after a loss.
There is no business as usual in the holiday after a loss. Click To Tweet
VALIDATION
Loss is emotionally traumatic.
It doesn’t matter if the loss you’ve suffered was by death, divorce, separation, layoff, someone moved away or any other way.
A loss is a loss and trauma is personal.
How we deal with grieving is as individual as we are.
You have the right to the pain you feel. Your pain matters.
Do not discount it or shove it to the back of your soul pretending you’re fine. You’re not. Grief screams.
Ignoring your pain won’t make it go away. It must be validated.
Ignoring your pain won’t make it go away. It must be validated. Click To Tweet
SELF-CARE
Something you had is no longer there. You will never be the same. You need tender loving care. Be kind to yourself.
Grief tends to make us move in slow motion and is tiring. Get sleep. Take naps. Give yourself extra time to do everything.
Take care of yourself by taking the time to rest, meditate, reflect, cry and recover.
Allow yourself to be who you are. It’s not strange for you to feel like a stranger to yourself.
A person who is grieving deeply is not behaving normally, knows they’re not, does not understand why, and is thus in the frightening position of being a stranger to her or himself. — Rev. Glenis Mollegen
Self-care is an important part of how to deal with loss during the holidays.
Self-care is an important part of how to deal with loss during the holidays. Click To Tweet
BE INTENTIONAL
Accepting this holiday is different, validating your pain and self-care all take intention.
There is no escaping the pain. Lean into it. You don’t have to deal with all the pain all at the same time. Reduce stress wherever you can. It’s about intention.
Intentionally dealing with your grief and working through it is called grief work. Healing happens in that process. It’s a slow process.
Grief rituals are great intentional tools. For example:
- Create a scrapbook of memories/photos…a memory book
- Have a wedding ring made into a new setting for a necklace, etc.
- Buy a Christmas ornament to remember what you lost.
- Donate money, gifts, quilts, etc. in loved one’s name to a ministry or individuals…
- Write a poem about your loss.
- Watch a certain movie.
…And the list goes on as long as a person’s creativity to personalize their ability to feel, face & let go.
Being intentional makes the holiday yours instead of being hijacked by the loss.
Being intentional makes the holiday yours instead of being hijacked by the loss. Click To Tweet
DECIDE WHAT YOU WANT TO DO
When your emotions have been hijacked by loss, they’re raw and need the structure of choice. Planning ahead will make a huge difference in providing a form of stability that will serve you.
Take the time to sit down and decide what you want to do this year.
Include everyone in your household in this planning session.
Discover your expectations as well as the others and do what feels right to each of you. You have the right to participate or not participate in holiday celebrations.
Deciding what you want to do empowers you to deal with the holiday successfully.
Deciding what you want to do empowers you to deal with the holiday successfully. Click To Tweet
WHAT NEXT
If your faith has been shaken by the loss you’ve sustained read When Your Faith Gets Shaken.
Print the following free charts (no email required) to help you with your planning session.
- This one has holiday activities listed. Things like decorating the tree, going to parties, baking cookies etc.
- This one is blank if you want to fill it in yourself.
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Well said. That’s all. Well said.
Thank you, Michael.
You know, how true is this:
“Ignoring your pain won’t make it go away. It must be validated.” I think creative expression is a good way to work through things. Fiction even–or poetry as you mentioned. Great topic for the holidays or otherwise. Also…reading other people’s memoirs helps make sense of things too sometimes.
Thank you, Trisha. I love your idea of reading other people’s memoirs to make sense of things. Thanks for sharing.
“Grief rituals are great intentional tools.” I agree that these rituals simultaneously help us to validate our grief, honor the memory of our loss, and allow us to move on.
Thank you, Kate. I know that using them made a huge difference in my journey through grief to healing.
Thanks for sharing.