I apologize it’s taken me this long to write you. I’ve read letters others have written to their younger selves and wanted to write you. But I always found a reason not to. Sometimes it was fear, other times I got lost in the pile, and still other times I stumbled over which version of you, my younger self to address.

Here I am sixty-three years old, and finally writing to you.

I was inspired today by yet another person who had written to their younger self. She addressed just one thing, as many of the letters I’ve read have done. She talked about her weight, and how it affected her sense of worth, how she thought she had to be skinny to get opportunities in life. How she has more at a size 14 than at a size 4 because weight doesn’t define worth. You’ll struggle with this issue too, but that’s just one thing in the pile I’ve gotten lost in before.

I no longer hate the experiences that have shaped us. I love you.

So let me start with writing to you when you were small, felt out of place, unwanted, and unloved.

I want to tell you that you were right where God wanted you, in the family of his choice, and deeply loved. The problem was mom and dad knew nothing of raising an emotionally sensitive child. You’re suffering from something called Childhood Emotional Neglect. They hadn’t been emotionally nurtured themselves. They didn’t understand your needs. Their emotional needs were never properly tended to. They did the best they knew how.

I’m sorry it wasn’t all you needed back then, but you will come to know a deeper love than you can possibly imagine right now.

You need to know there’s nothing wrong with you being sensitive. In fact, it will become a strength of yours later in life.

I’m writing to you when you suffered that deep rejection at church.

I want to tell you that you didn’t do anything wrong. God accepted you then, and loved you then. What you believed at that moment was a lie planted by the enemy of your soul. The truth is that there isn’t anything you can do to make God stop loving and accepting you. When you get older he’ll demonstrate that in ways that will blow you away. He’ll even show you where he was when that incident took place and what he said to you.

I’m writing to you after your encounter with Kathy.

I want to tell you that what she said wasn’t true. Your parents didn’t want you to die. I’m sorry you believed her. I understand why now. You’ll understand later, and you’ll even get a new name that you will choose for yourself. That journey will be amazing. You’ll even learn she suffered too. You’ll find out she dies of a heroin overdose later.

I’m writing to you after daddy died.

I know it really freaked you out – the sounds he made, and how mom grabbed the phone out of your hand as you were calling 911. She wasn’t mad at you. She was freaking out because your daddy laying there dying on the bathroom floor, was her beloved husband she had just been intimate with moments before. You had no way to understand or process that.

I’m sorry no one was there for you or our family after the funeral. I’m sorry no one helped you process the pain of that loss, especially added to the loss of your only grandma two months earlier. Oh! And I need you to know that God didn’t kill grandma or ignore your prayer.

I know it hurts so bad. I know you feel so abandoned and alone. But you’re not. You’ll see later.

I’m writing to you after mom told you about David’s death.

You need to know she wasn’t sure what was true about how he died at first. Even though you think she lied, they were unsure if there was foul play.

So even though she stated it as a fact that he was murdered, when in truth he had not been, she probably wished it was true instead of the real truth. He did a foolish thing and accidentally killed himself. How he died was probably so embarrassing for mom. You don’t know how little she was ever told about sex.

I know that after this incident you really lost yourself, so did mom. You lost a brother. She lost her first born. You can’t fathom that at this time but later you will.

I still feel the empathetic pain for you as I write this.

I have to tell you you’ll come through this.

God doesn’t let you destroy yourself, even though you try real hard. The self-destructive behaviors are pervasive.

The drugs, and eating disorders go on for quite a while. But God pursues you, and protects you, for a long time before you finally hear him and yield to his coaxing. And even then, I know how afraid you are on that day.

But know this: your greatest fear cannot destroy you. I know because the Spirit of God said those exact words to me while I was in the middle of a temper tantrum pity party response, that I had no idea how to deal with. I was so afraid of everything, but mostly afraid of fear itself. You get free.

God’s mercy is beyond your comprehension at this time. You don’t believe his love. But he understands.

Those words spoken 10 years or so into your married life, make a huge impact on you.

Yes, you get married, AND have kids.

I know. I know. You vowed not to get married because you’re so angry and hurt at men. But know what? God remembered a prayer you whispered in your closet as a child from a pure heart that loved him, before the traumas got ahold of your tender heart.

You’ll forget that prayer. I only remember because God reminded me of it.

God brings you a man who loves him, like you asked. You won’t be looking for him, but don’t worry. God takes care of everything. And the kids? Yes, I know how scared you are. But again, God has a plan. He even gives you their names before you conceive either of them! Isn’t that crazy?

Another thing I want you to know, is that you and mom get close.

You and her talk it all out. She initiates it! You build a new beautiful relationship. It’s amazing.

I gotta warn you though. She gets cancer. But not only does she get more time than she prays for, you get your prayer answered. You get to be with her when she dies, holding her hand and singing to her. She even waves goodbye. It’s such a beautiful thing that you’ll cherish it forever.

Oh! And you have the coolest dream about her much later.

And finally, I have to tell you that you’ll encourage and help others to build and repair relationships. 

Both with family, and with God.

You’re going to become an author, speaker, coach…oh, oh…I have to interrupt myself here.

You not only become a coach, a trauma-informed coach, but also a self-love coach. God redeems everything. All that self-loathing, self-condemnation, from false accusations of being so selfish get turned around into self-love, self-compassion, redefining selfishness, and separating self from the ego.

You also become a podcast host helping others go from victim to victor. It’s called Victorious Souls.

You become known as “that lady on the internet who loves you.” You, yes you who felt so unloved spreads love everywhere. And you’ll love doing all these things.

But the thing you’ll love best is loving, and being loved, by God and your family. Your grandkids call you Mima.

I know this is a lot to take in, but you deserve to know that you matter, are deeply loved, and are going to make a difference in the world.

Your scars will speak volumes setting many free.

Love, yourself.

DEAR READER please leave me some love in the comments.

• What about you? Have you ever written to your younger self?
• How can I be of help to you?

✕

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Danielle Bernock

Author, Coach, and Speaker helping men, women, and organizations EMERGE with clear vision of their value, TAKE ownership of their choices, and CHART a path to their promise, becoming Victorious Souls who Embrace The Change from survive to thrive through the power of the love of God

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