After listening to the audiobook Running On Empty by Dr. Jonice Webb, I bought the paperback also. I discovered this book while researching emotional trauma. It addresses something missing in many people’s childhood.
It’s a thing called Childhood Emotional Neglect or CEN for short.
The term is new to me and I’m not alone. I polled a group of people asking if they knew what CEN or Childhood Emotional Neglect was and 2/3 of them didn’t know or had never heard of it. This is a problem.
The phenomenon called CEN is more prevalent than the world is aware of.
WHAT CEN IS
Before I define CEN, I want to make sure you understand that Dr. Webb goes to great lengths in her book to comfort us in our humanity, reminding us that no parent is perfect.
CEN is not caused by lack of perfection.
Also, it’s important to note that CEN can be overcome.
CEN and it’s effects are reversible.
As defined by Dr. Webb:
Emotional Neglect is a parent’s failure to respond enough to a child’s emotional needs.
Emotional Neglect is, in some ways, the opposite of mistreatment and abuse. Whereas mistreatment and abuse are parental acts, Emotional Neglect is a parent’s failure to act. It’s a failure to notice, attend to, or respond appropriately to a child’s feelings. Because it’s an act of omission, it’s not visible, noticeable or memorable. Emotional Neglect is the white space in the family picture; the background rather than the foreground. It is insidious and overlooked while it does its silent damage to people’s lives.*
CEN is invisibly wreaking havoc in countless people’s lives.
HOW CEN WORKS
- In the case of abuse, a person remembers what did happen—yelling, hitting, being violated.
- In the case of physical neglect, a person remembers what they did need and didn’t get—food, shelter, clothing.
- But in the case of emotional neglect, the main issue is a person doesn’t remember what didn’t happen.
Because of this, trauma silently occurs—because what was needed never took place.
There’s a void where an unknown need exists.
One common side effect is feeling numb where there ought to be emotions, and the subsequent thought, “what’s wrong with me?” I know this feeling and subsequent thought from experience.
CEN is not something we remember because it’s something that isn’t there.
The beginning of healing is learning and seeing what was, and still is, missing. Click To Tweet
HOW TO HEAL THE INVISIBLE
We cannot fight what we don’t know. We cannot heal an invisible wound. CEN is a type of trauma and requires the same type of attention.
Trauma is personal. It does not disappear if it is not validated. When it is ignored or invalidated the silent screams continue internally heard only by the one held captive. When someone enters the pain and hears the screams healing can begin.― Danielle Bernock, Emerging With Wings: A True Story of Lies, Pain, And The LOVE that Heals
CEN brought to the light can open a new way to build what went missing.
There is no shame in being a sufferer of CEN. What didn’t happen to you had nothing to do with you, but you can change your story going forward by entering your own pain.
The beginning of healing is learning and seeing what was, and still is, missing.
HOW CEN IS IDENTIFIED
How does one see what isn’t there?
I must start with, this article is not exhaustive and I am not a clinical psychologist. Seek professional help if you need it. I have had professional help and there is no shame in it.
How is a person supposed to know what is emotionally missing from their lives and if they suffer CEN?
The following “themes” (as Dr. Webb calls them) are just some of the identifying things you may see in your life if you’re suffering from CEN.
- Feelings of Emptiness
- Counter-dependence
- Unrealistic Self-Appraisal
- No Compassion for Self, Plenty for Others
- Guilt and Shane: What is Wrong with Me?
- Self-Directed Anger, Self-Blame
- The Fatal Flaw (If People Really Know Me They Won’t Like Me)
- Difficulty Nurturing Self and Others
- Poor Self-Discipline
- Alexithymia: Poor Awareness and Understanding of Emotions
How many of those can you relate to?
To be completely transparent, before I went through counseling for the trauma I knew I had (because I was unaware of CEN), I could relate to all ten of those. I’ve healed from some, and am working on others.
It’s by recognizing the symptoms of CEN in your life you can take action to overcome.
It’s by recognizing the symptoms of CEN in your life you can take action to overcome. Click To Tweet
HOW IT HAPPENS
In Dr. Webb’s book, she identifies twelve different parent types that cause CEN. As I listened to Dr. Webb elaborate on the different parents, telling stories using detailed examples, I saw what wasn’t there.
Out of the twelve types Dr. Webb elaborates on, she believes one category to be the largest. It’s the one I see myself in.
However, I’ve marveled as I’ve watched my children emotionally nurture my grandchildren. I’ve internally sat like a dog tilting it’s head hearing a strange noise – wondering what was happening as I saw them do this.
I somehow knew what my children were doing was good, but I didn’t understand, it was so foreign to me.
Then I read Running on Empty,
How did they learn such emotional skills? Did I by the grace of God alone nurture them more than I think? I can only hope. But this I know – I was never asked how I felt about things, never emotionally nurtured like I watch my children nurture my grandkids.
My parents fell into two of the 12 categories Dr. Webb illustrated in her book. My mother fell into a third. The third one being The Bereaved Parent after my father died. Dr. Webb is careful to say that not all bereaved parents emotionally neglect their children. Her examples illustrate the difference well.
The primary category I see my parents, and myself in, is what Dr. Webb calls The Well-Meaning-but-Neglected-Themselves Parent.
Well-meaning. I love that.
When I wrote my book Emerging With Wings I struggled so much with the issue of having suffered harm from my parents but didn’t ascribe malice.
I felt the CEN, but it had no name.
I felt things missing, but didn’t know what.
The harm was evident, but so was the lack of malice.
This is something CEN illuminates. No malice ≠ No harm in the well-meaning parents category.
Most parents want to do right by their child and what is enough is subjective.
EMOTIONS ARE IMPORTANT
Our emotions are important. Somehow I’ve always known this. Even when mine were squashed under negative words of “too sensitive” and “too emotional”. Even when oppressive religion tried to teach me that emotions are dangerous like monsters or the devil.
By the grace of God, I’ve emotionally survived and now I’m learning to emotionally thrive.
Our emotions are part of us and need to be processed in a healthy way.
Emotions are not the end-all. We are more than just them, but God gave them to us on purpose and we need to learn the skills to use them like He designed.
Emotions are a gift to cherish and enjoy.
WHAT NEXT
- Is this missing from YOUR childhood? Share how you relate in the comments.
- Share this article to help someone else and spread the awareness of this missing thing.
- Get these books and start building what you’ve found missing:
- Get personal one on one coaching from me to help – starting with a FREE consultation. GO HERE
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I found this very interesting. I too, was the one told, “You’re too sensitive.” “Stop that crying.”
I honestly don’t believe they knew how to deal with my being so sensitive. I know this because we were treated all the same. Abusively.
Thanks for sharing about this book. I believe I’ll check it out. And it will be one I tell my one brother about. It’s only he and I left from our family of seven. And he felt invisible.
Anne, your sensitivity is a gift even if others haven’t known how to “deal” with it. I love your compassionate heart.
I understand your brother’s feeling of being invisible. I hope the book brings insight and help to you and your brother. I too have only my brother and I left, although there were only 5 of us instead of 7.
Thank you for reading and sharing with me.
My parents were overwhelmed with seven children and their own issues, such as depression and hoarding. They took care of our physical needs and encouraged us in our education. (All but our mentally ill sister graduated from college.) They worked hard but neglected their children emotionally. After infancy, we were rarely hugged. Like Anne’s parents, mine told me I was too sensitive, too serious. I felt “a hole in my heart,” but unlike one of my sisters our mother spent what time she could with me. This sister is fighting to overcome an addiction. I will purchase Running on Empty for her.
Marie, thank you for sharing your story.
One thing I like about Dr Webb’s book is her gracious attitude toward parents that did the best they could even though it wasn’t good enough for a child’s well-being. So there was no condemnation or shame, just directing us that are left with that “hole” as you said, to seek to heal and build the skills we need.
Love and prayers for you and your sister.