Many believe it’s absurd for parents to be friends with their children. I’ve seen the memes. I’ve heard the rants. There are many articles telling parents not to be friends with their children and how awful or harmful it is.
I disagree. I believe it’s good to be friends with your child and I’ll tell you why.
I understand children need parents to guide and direct them. Yes, parents need to be the voice of wisdom to override foolishness. I agree every child needs their parents to be parents.
But that doesn’t exclude why it’s good to be friends also.
I didn’t know it was possible until it happened to me.
MY FIRST ENCOUNTER
As a child, my parents were not my friend. I struggled to believe they loved me. Friendship was absurd. My relationship with them was based on duty and obligation. I suffered trauma’s they never knew about because I was afraid. Then my dad died and all that was left was trauma and manipulation.
After I was married with two small children of my own my mother took me out to lunch. At this meeting, she asked a question that changed our lives.
Do you want to be friends?
The question rocked my world. I wanted that so bad. We were so far from friendship. Inside my heart, I cried out
really? Are you serious?
My mouth simply replied
yes.
And so it began.
The overbearing master/slave type mentality was laid aside for relationship.
- We became two people free to have differing opinions and feelings but with the heart to understand each other.
- We shared our hearts in genuine vulnerability walking through the minefield of each other’s pain and the issues we had with each other.
- We built a friendship I continue to cherish even though my mother has been dead for many years.
I celebrate my mother’s courage.
It takes courage to be your child’s friend.
It takes courage to be your child’s friend. Click To Tweet
FRIENDSHIP IS A RELATIONSHIP
To be a friend to your child is to have a relationship with them. It doesn’t have to wait until they’re adults.
I learned this can be done while our children are growing up.
I found this truth in a book I read after my children had grown. I wished I’d read it when they were young. But like my mom friended me after I was grown, it’s better late than never.
The book that teaches us how to be friends with our child while parenting them is Loving Our Kids on Purpose by Danny Silk. In his book, Danny shares raising children from a relationship position instead of a control position.
- This relationship style paves the way for the child to understand personal freedom and responsibility and how it relates to others.
- This style does not have the parents set authority aside. Instead, they use their authority to empower their child to become the best version of themselves.
It’s good to give your child a voice in who they are.
It’s good to give your child a voice in who they are. Click To Tweet
A BIG PROBLEM
Many parents, in the name of parenting, use force (or even abuse) to control their child’s behavior and choices to protect their own reputation. This is done out of insecurity or fear.
The parent might not even be aware of it. It’s a big problem.
The biggest thing that stands in the way of friendship with your child is fear. Fears come from many sources. Love is what overcomes fear. Relationships run on love, not fear.
- Fear destroys.
- Love builds up.
Love allows imperfections and encourages growth. Love is a friend.
Only love can fix relationship problems.
Only love can fix relationship problems. Click To Tweet
THE BOTTOM LINE
Being a friend to your child is good. The opposite of a friend is an enemy, an opponent, an antagonist. This is the choice – friend or enemy.
- A friend is someone who looks out for the other. The Bible says there’s no greater love than for someone to lay down their life for their friend.
Sounds like something a parent is willing to do for their child.
- The Bible also says faithful are the wounds of a friend. This means a true friend speaks up when it’s hard and brings correction.
Sounds like something a parent needs to do.
- And then finally, the relationship God desires with us is to be our friend. He called Abraham His friend. Jesus invites us to change our mindset from master/slave to friends stating He now calls us friends.
If God can be a friend to His children, surely we can be a friend to ours.
If God can be a friend to His children, surely we can be a friend to ours. Click To Tweet
WHAT NOW
Examine your relationships
- Are you friends with God?
- Are you friends with your child or children?
- Are you friends with your parent or parents?
Get Danny Silk’s book here.
Get my book here and read about my journey with my mom, and how I became friends with God.
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I agree Danielle, although it is sometimes really hard in practice as children grow into adults. But I agree so much and perhaps my experience would have been different if I had understood this friendship part much earlier in my parenting journey. With my last and fifth child my experience is different and yes much better so far. What you say about fear really rings true with me. Thank you for this article. Keep writing.
You’re welcome, Hanna.
You’re right. Relationships take work and raising children in this fashion is anything but lazy. In fact, it’s quite tiring. But I’ve seen the results and it’s worth it.
Don’t be too hard on yourself. We’re all a work in progress. I tell my kids that I improved on my generation and they’re improving on theirs. Live, learn, apply and repeat. If we all keep growing we’re moving in the right direction. Sounds to me like that’s what you’re doing – so – good job!
Thank you Danielle for sharing. That is good and seems almost similar to my situation. My dad passed away in 2014. I have been struggling with my relationship with my mom. I have been her caregiver but we have been staying in motels. I have been having difficulties with my mother. I don’t want to go into all the details but please keep us in prayer. We also are praying for a house to live in. Thank you. God Bless you. Kim
Also please pray for an income for me. Thank you
Certainly I will.
You’re welcome, Kim.
First let me say, I’m so sorry for the loss of your dad.
Then being a caregiver to your mom adds more difficulties. Add to that your living situation and I’m feeling this must feel so overwhelming. Of course I will pray for you. Please email me with any specifics and updates as you’re comfortable and able.
I think (hope) that when people say “Don’t be friends with your kids” they mean be more mature than they are, don’t be afraid to say ‘no’ when needed. But I agree that having a relationship is so important. Having something you enjoy doing together, for example, a shared passion–where you are not ‘in charge’ but collaborating with the child. I love reading and art for this…
I think you’re right in many instances, Trisha. But I see people take it to an extreme too. When they do it makes me sad.
I’m so glad my mother friended me. I’ve had adults tell me they’ve tried to friend their parents but were shut down. That’s sad too.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts!
I can definitely relate as I have always considered my mom to be my friend and we were very close when I was growing up. We would go to movies together, play tennis together, etc. At the same time, she was still very much an authority figure. Even now that I am an adult, she still won’t hesitate to tell me that I need to clean my apartment or call home more often!
That’s wonderful, Kate! Thank you for sharing how that worked in your life as a child as well as into adulthood. It’s a great example for others to see.
Precisely beacue we think we are God´s friends, we manipulate him in ways that it is obvious there no respect towards him.
Danielle, recently a very dear friend who i love with all my heart has questioned me and warned me not to be friend with my 10 years old son. he is a normal good boy. he believes he has to fear me as his mother. 🙁
I’m so sorry you’ve been given that advice. It is truly sad.
Children need love from their parents, not fear.
They need guidance and leadership, not tyranny.
They need discipline, not punishment.
Fear will not emotionally nurture a child and they’ll grow up with Childhood Emotional Neglect. I wrote an article on it here.
I’d like to suggest the book Running On Empty to elaborate on a child’s need for emotional nurture.
Thank you for sharing and I’m praying for you and your son.