Last year was rough for many people. This year didn’t waste any time dishing out difficulty in my life.
January first was an emotional day. I had one family member in the ER and another taking a larger step toward death. I wrote about it in the article Are You Emotionally Ready For The Unexpected.
I was as ready as I could be, but we all need something beyond preparation.
We need each other.
The following week I wrote about the mind. How to be the master and not the slave of the thoughts in our own head.
It is important to note, it is the mind’s job to process all the emotions that come with circumstantial trouble. So I shared How To Master Your Mind (4 Things You Need).
I needed them today, so I reviewed them.
Next, I shared a personal story of how I quit smoking and what my problem was. How To Accomplish What You Say You Want.
We can wish all we want for things, and try as hard as we can, but there is a connection needed between the mind, the emotions and the will that needs to be engaged.
Still, there is more than those three (emotions, mind, and will) that guide our lives.
Last week I tied them together with What Is Your Inner Orchestra Playing?
Granted, if I were writing that article today I would give it a new title. Perhaps, How to conduct your inner orchestra. Or maybe, Who is in charge of your inner orchestra?
Give it a read and let me know what you would title it.
I took courage to put it out there even though I knew it wasn’t perfect.
Today I am struggling.
It is tempting to take a week off writing and hide out in my emotions.
I used to be a very good hider.
But I want to be known as one who practices what they preach so I am here, sharing my heart.
I write about how valuable we are as human beings.
I care about what goes on in our inner life. The mind, the will, the emotions, and the spirit.
They all have value individually.
Knowing how they are interdependent is important.
There is so much to learn about these things and community is the best way to learn.
I know these are sensitive issues and take courage to speak about.
Writing my book I learned how extremely important it is to be heard and validated.
How we need to know we are not alone.
How we need someone to enter our pain so we can begin to heal.
“Trauma is personal. It does not disappear if it is not validated. When it is ignored or invalidated the silent screams continue internally heard only by the one held captive. When someone enters the pain and hears the screams healing can begin.”
― Danielle Bernock, Emerging with Wings: A True Story of Lies, Pain, and the Love That Heals
Here on my site, I declare it a safe place.
I understand that if I want you to trust me, then I have to go first with the sharing.
So I am telling on myself.
Today I am a mess. I’m concerned my writing will be a mess.
My orchestra is not making beautiful music today.
Yesterday was the funeral for my mother-in-law, Ann. She is the main character in my short story A Bird Named Payn.
Even though the symbolic bird Payn has been put to rest, my insides still hurt.
Ann is the one who is dancing in the streets. Not me.
I reread the four articles I shared with you to try to practice them in my pain. It’s not easy.
I feel like laying on the sofa and sleeping all day.
I feel like going to the liquor store and buying whatever I feel like to drown the pain, fill the hole I feel on my insides. (I confess I have been guilty of this – get a copy of my book for more details.)
I feel like getting angry at every little thing.
I feel. I feel. I feel.
What I feel like doing and what I am doing are not the same.
Letting my feelings have the steering wheel of my life today would be unwise, to put it lightly.
So I have intentionally made some different choices.
I’ve been writing off and on all day.
I started attempting to write in the morning.
It didn’t make any sense. I had a page and a half of drivel.
I got up many times to do some laundry. I had phone calls to make reporting Ann’s death.
And I sat down to write between each time.
I’ll call it therapy.
I learned following the loss of my own mother many years ago from Hospice the term grief work. I plan to share more on this subject another time.
I have been doing grief work today.
I have been able to make the harder choice because I have prepared, I have practiced, I have decided and I am doing my best to “orchestrate” my insides like I wrote about in the articles I refer to.
Make no mistake in thinking this is easy or fast. It is not.What I feel like doing and what I am doing are not the same. Click To Tweet
It is work. But it is work worth doing.
Perhaps the best I can expect today is to get my inner orchestra to have the “clean sound” of warming up before a performance.
It isn’t a “beautiful” sound but it isn’t bad either. If you’ve never heard the sound, here is a short clip (just over a minute long).
As I practice and do the grief work I can expect to eventually have beautiful music playing inside me once again.
Life has seasons.
It is written, to everything, there is a season and a time for every purpose under heaven. A time to be born and a time to die. A time to mourn (this is my season) and a time to dance (this is Ann’s season).
What season are you in?
Have you done any emotional prep? Have you taken steps to master your mind? Is your will something you know how to engage? Do you know how to orchestrate them?
Or, have you known trauma, need someone to enter your pain with you?
Please share in the comments.
After writing last week about the orchestra I am intrigued by how much it can mirror our inner life. I plan to do more study on it so we can learn to play more beautiful music with our lives.
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Free download of Dare to Believe.